


Rated R

by anna_chronistic



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Comedy, Crack, F/M, Gen, Grantaire is a savage, I can't help it I love insult comedy, Lots of it, M/M, Offensive Humor, Plot What Plot, Profanity, comedy central roasts, insult comedy, jokes without plot, sorry victor hugo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-23 02:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11393781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_chronistic/pseuds/anna_chronistic
Summary: After losing a bet, Grantaire agrees to get roasted by the ABC gang at the Musaisn's monthly comedy night.  When everyone is done telling their jokes, Grantaire reciprocates and roasts everyone back.





	Rated R

**Author's Note:**

> There is a lot of offensive humor in this, because typically roasts are based on crude and offensive jokes.
> 
>  
> 
> [Here's an example of a Comedy Central roast](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2wKIMgiPy0)

After losing a bet, Grantaire was to get roasted by the ABC gang at the Musaisn's monthly comedy night. The roast master that night was Combeferre. All of comics were able to get a few jabs at him. Here are some examples:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Combeferre: Do any of y'all get creepy vibes from Grantaire? R looks like someone who would murder you in your sleep. With that gross beard and speech that's slurred half the time, you look like a combination of a pirate and an ax murderer. I once tried to get him to come to a meeting, but he told me to get off his swamp.

Courfeyrac: Dude, everyone under the sun except Enjolras knows that you want to date Enjolras. But let's face it. Can you imagine yourselves as a couple? Enjolras and you together would look like Beavis and Butthead.

Joly: All of the members of Les Amis de l'ABC have unanimously decided that Grantaire is the drunk uncle of the group. But we got tired of saying "drunk uncle" all the time, so we just abbreviated it to "drunkle".

Cosette: Next time you want to call someone dumb, remember that you decided to major in art history. The only thing you'll get from an arts degree is being the most pretentious person in the welfare line. You call yourself R cause you're too dumb to spell.

When everyone is done telling their jokes, Grantaire reciprocates and roasts everyone back.

**The following speech is Grantaire's comeback:**

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now that you've roasted me, it's time for me to get you fuckers back. Starting with Cosette. Let's just get her out of the way first because no one fucking knows who she is. You're a math major, right? Then you should know that the probability of you getting laid is about .001%. You just got lucky because Marius is a creep that'll bang literally anyone. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Courfeyrac. I saw Cosette singing karaoke at the musain the other day. She sounds like Julia Child getting strangled to death. Anyway, I'm gonna shut up about her, because her dad looks like he's been in one too many prison riots, and I don't want to get on his bad side.

I didn't know Janis Joplin is alive. Wait, never mind. That's just Jehan Prouvaire. Out of all of us, you have the worst fashion sense by far, you dirty hippie. With your fucking Hawaiian shirt, brown corduroy pants, and strap on sandals with socks, you look like a lame school teacher that still thinks it's 1974. It's like the power went off in your house and you just blindly chose random shit from your closet. The flowers in your hair look stupid, but on the bright side you'll always be prepared for a funeral. You look like you robbed a Home Depot, but couldn't fit the flower pots in your pockets so you just haphazardly stuck them in your hair. You look like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. On LSD.

Now it's time for me to roast the only one here that's creepier than me: Éponine Thénardier. I'm glad I'm friends with you, because when they make a documentary about you after you become a serial killer, I can be on TV. Seriously, if you want to stalk people to trick them into falling in love with you, then you actually have to be _good_ looking. Just ask Marius. Éponine, you look like [Joan Rivers](https://en.wikipedei.org/wiki/Joan_Rivers) had sex with [Steven Tyler](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Tyler). And you're so skinny that you can slip through the cracks in this floor. You look like you're on meth.

Feuilly, you act like you're on meth. Like, do you ever sleep? That's a legitimate question. And painting ceiling fans? That's a worse job than stocking vending machines. Now I don't want to come off as rude, but I'm just saying what everyone else wants to say: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT POLAND!

Now, onto the only one that's more of a pussy than Joly, Marius Pontmercy. So far you've bailed out of every protest this year. You were probably getting stoned and watching [Howtobasic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjj9newZBp0) videos while eating chimichangas. Even I stayed for the protests, and I don't give a rat's ass about politics. And this so-called lawyer wants to start a defense attorney business for illegally downloaded music. How much weed have you been smoking?

I hate to be captain obvious, but Musichetta's a pimp with 2 hoes. I can't tell which one of them is the boyfriend and which one is the side bitch, so I'm just gonna assume that both of them are side bitches.

Which brings me to side bitch 1: Bossuet, or L'aigle, or Lesgles, or whatever the fuck your name is. You have like 11 nicknames. Pick one already! Get outta here with your [Matthew Santoro](http://www.youtube.com/matthewsantoro/videos), [Andrew Zimmern](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Zimmern), [Avatar the last airbender](https://mydisguises.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/aang-avatar2.png) looking ass. You look like you're 35 with your premature baldness, while your boyfriend looks 15. Your dates with Joly look probably look more like a setup for an episode of _To Catch A Predator_. And considering your luck, it might actually be one. 

Which brings me to side bitch 2: a psycho pale germaphobe. When's the last time you've been outside, Joly? You need to get some sunlight, unless you're secretly a vampire with a fucking Kurt Cobain haircut. Dude, stop sticking out your tongue and checking it in the mirror. What are you—Miley Cyrus circa 2013?

Gavroche, you want to be British so bad. But everyone knows that accent is phony. Get outta here!

Our roast master Austin Powers, I mean Combeferre, is here. I gotta roast you, with your turn-of-the-century glasses and Adolf Hitler haircut. You look like a Harry Potter that's about to goose-step his way into Hogwarts. You look like [David Byrne from The Talking Heads](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1wg1DNHbNU). You said you're from Louisiana, right? Well I have a question: were your parents siblings?

And finally, Enjolras is here. First of all, no one knows how to pronounce your fucking name. And what's the point of hosting meetings that no one fucking cares about? Half the people who bother to show up are drunk, high, or cross faded. I'd rather read the entire script of Bee Movie than listen to one of your awful, boring speeches. And what's with that egg noodle hair and resting bitch face? Your resting bitch face looks more like a resting "I'm gonna murder someone" face. I didn't expect you to even show up, because you're an uptight wannabe tumblr activist that gets offended by everything, but thanks for being a good sport.

But in all seriousness, I love all you guys, especially Enjolras. Thank you for being there, thank you for letting me do this roast, and goodnight!

~~~~~~~After the show~~~~~~~~

"Awesome job, Grantaire!" Cosette said.

"Dude, you fucking destroyed it," said Joly.

"Aw, thanks. This turned out way more fun than I expected," said Grantaire. He was surprised that people were complimenting him instead of berating him.

"That show was a blast, and I ain't even mad," said Enjolras. "You're really funny and talented. We should do this again."

"I'm so looking forward to it, Enjy" Grantaire said, and Enjolras kissed him on the cheek.


End file.
